In Major Gaffe, Bachmann Confuses Ass, Hole in Ground (Borowitz Report)

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ARIZONA (The Borowitz Report) – In a fledgling campaign that has already produced more than its share of gaffes, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) today confused her ass with a hole in the ground during a campaign swing through Arizona.

Speaking to a group of supporters in Phoenix, Rep. Bachmann raised eyebrows when she said, “It’s great to be here in Arizona, the home of my ass.”

After her comment was greeted with confused murmurs from the crowd, Rep. Bachmann quickly added, “Oh wait, did I say my ass?  I meant the Grand Canyon.”

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Bush Publishes ‘I Can Has Prezidensy’ (Borowitz Report)

Cover of George W. BushThe Borowitz Report has obtained an advance copy of former President George W. Bush’s memoir, entitled I Can Has Prezidensy.  Here are some highlights:

– The book contains a “Where’s Waldo?” foldout section with WMDs.

– Bush says the biggest disappointment of his eight years in office was learning there was no Santa Claus

– The book’s appendix includes a series of connect-the-dot drawings Bush was unable to complete

– Bush on the unfinished business of his Presidency: “I never did learn how that neat story about the goat ended.”

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Three Things to Remember on Election Day (Borowitz Report)

As you head to the polls today, please keep these three things in mind:

1)   Don’t be intimidated by electronic voting machines.  There are simple instructions in English, Spanish, and Tea Party.

2)   Your vote is precious.  Politicians have spent billions trying to buy it.

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Rabid Dog Briefly Mistaken for Tea Party Candidate (Borowitz Report)

Receives Standing Ovation at Missouri Rally

JEFFERSON CITY, MO (The Borowitz Report) – A rabid Doberman Pinscher jumped on stage at a Tea Party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly twenty minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.

The dog, later identified by its owner as “Mister Buster,” held the crowd spellbound as he barked, growled, and frothed at the mouth, eventually receiving a standing ovation for his exertions.

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